Thursday, September 14, 2017

reality check

this might be a slight ramble, but wha' the fuck, is my blog, ent? plus i always saying i doh write here enough...
my whole life people telling me i need to lower my standards. needless to say, i eh trying to hear that. well, i guess i cyah say "needless to say" since people bother to utter such nonsense to me in the 1st place thus making me say ting now, but i feel anybody who know me even a little should know better. i consider my high standards a good ting; if you wanna roll with me, rise and meet them, raise yours, even; high standards should be the norm. why condition oneself and the world to do worse and accept lesser? how that good for anybody out here? i doh even think it good that my standards considered that noticeably higher than the norm because i think we need to raise the bar on the damn "norm", at least in sweet trini.
that said, with the understanding that i find lowering standards an unacceptable way to choose+do friends+relationships+life, i now finally trying to face the harsh reality that i may have no choice, where writing concerned, to pay bills.
allyuh. i eh facking know wha' to do with meself. i feel like this shit killing me (plus, i jus' eh very good@it) every second i agonising over it but i am a grown-ass woman with a parent to eventually mind (yeah, that whole no-chirren-because-cyah-afford gambit nullified by the way-longer lives parents living, ent) and diminishing options for making money if i eh willing to write fluff, or about shit i eh care enough about to write well enough about to meet my standards. and i know plenty shit i write that eh meet my standards and meet delete instead woulda be accepted and paid for by somebody, somewhere, but i have severe limits on wha' i willing to put my byline on and send out into the world.
but. bills hadda pay, ent?
so wha' i go do? watch others make money i need doing wha' i and everybody who know me know i could do better, because it fall below my standards of wha' i wanna do? stay too broke to celebrate my 40th birthday? be unable to mind the mother when time come?
i always a realist an ting, eh, but facing this reality hard like life, dread...
walk good


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