production notes

i've never been accused to my face of being self-absorbed, but i believe i must be, and i'm ok with that. as a wise empress just reminded me, that's prob'ly why i have a blog...i can't help that this experience of life i'm having is the most important thing in mine, and i write and speak aloud not because i expect others to care, but because i must question, explore, reconsider every single thing happening within, without, and with me. my self-absorption anticipates no such similar reaction in others, but i must keep checking in case there's something new.
i've been carrying the same coke to+from rehearsal, untouched, for weeks now and i wonder if anybody's noticed (even if they can't tell it's the same bottle, wouldn't they wonder why i keep bringing a coke every day when i never open+drink it). then i tell myself that of course nobody's paying that much attention to me- why would they? but then i realise that's exactly the kind of twitchy shit i notice in others, and wonder if i'm paranoid or if everybody scrutinises everybody as hard as i do. either way, i stand by the adage that my paranoia doesn't mean the world isn't out to get me. but this coke thing is making me look @ all my little tweaky shit. i don't just repeatedly tighten the arrangement of the coffee table, i also repeatedly tighten the neat pile of my belongings i've set down for a period as short as a rehearsal, rearranging around each item i remove or replace. i adjust my clothing constantly, and switch my hair hourly because my head gets uncomfortable. i can't sit still because my body's restless. i drive myself fucking crazy.
anyway. we teching equus now and i love the show. now my only stress is not fixing the wedgie i acquire scrambling up from the ground when things go sour with alan. we have a full page of threatening dialogue with the occasional even-less-attractive crouch/huddle to get through and i feel like my shit's increasingly crooked the whole time. but i can't go back to the brazilian. sorry grims. but the show feels good.
i don't wanna say any more.
walk good.

ps: just glimpsed the funniest tv ad, cartoon cranberries (in cranassure by ocean spray) singing about their being good for the urinary tract. cracked my shit up!