Saturday, March 18, 2006

been scarce because...

your blog is a creative space all yours.
i know people who write but hate editing, but i love the whole thing- starting with just thoughts, then putting them into words, then stringing the words together in a way that pleases me, then creeping toward perfection in expressing what was in my head as i tweak those words. i love nothing better than when i write then edit something down until it's a concise, but evocative representation of what i'm thinking. it's so satisfying to read it back and know it says, and suggests, exactly what i wanted, in every shade of meaning (that is, when i manage to get it right).
so if i love it here, why have i been so absent since carnival?

i've been asking myself that question, but ironically, as i was finally ready to be here again and done being sick, my father-in-law came to visit. so between evenings attempting the family thing (i'm no good @ that stuff) and stage managing the shakespeare festival and being back @ the radio station, i was beginning to think this'd have to wait until my day off next thursday.
but i feel like yesterday, working on the anna deavere smith segment for the station, some things came into sharper and more urgent focus, so here i am, trying to squeeze this in (and, simultaneously, out) before we head out as family this afternoon.

love is not enough.
relationships are hard, interracial relationships even harder, and crosscultural relationships more complicated still. and people fall out of love in as easily as they fall in it. or continue to love knowing they're not what the other needs in their life and can't provide what's necessary either. this is the minefield we all navigate and some days we feel more capable than others, but we keep trying because love is what we're all about.
but knowing love is not enough is not enough. we need to know when it stops being worthwhile. we need to recognise whether we're at that point, because sometimes those days when we feel less capable become weeks which slip into months which slide into years. we need to remember that when one person in the relationship doubts (anything) the other can surely feel it too- they are (presumably) equally invested and involved, so not saying out loud what those doubts are only make a partner worry more about that wall they can sense but know nothing concrete about.
love is not enough. but it is also everything. and sometimes we're so fixated on the ones we love that we forget if we're not good to ourselves too, we're no good to them either. and sometimes 2 people can each be so concerned about the other that they can miss each other entirely. we want everything for those we love, but can never give it to them because it's not all within our control.
sometimes loving someone becomes synonymous with having the whole world to lose.
often, love is as scary as it is fulfilling. because we know it is not enough. but it is everything.
love hard.
walk good.


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