up+down

i feel very on top of things @ home, my personal to-do list is under control, and we ok for $ right now, but the radio station prob'ly won't need me for awhile (everybody fulltime has taken vacation within the last coupla months, so unless somebody gets sick...) and my shakespeare gig is always sporadic. so i feel, once again, like i need a more regular freelance gig, so me+grims can do what we need to. we need to pay off the last of the australia trip, and he needs out of his current job. he likes working for the audio-visual company because he's learning stuff, and working with top-of-the-line equipment most theatres can't afford. but on the other hand, corporate is just not him (we aren't those people) and hotel protocol, the schedule, the suit, and having to take out his earrings every day is definitely getting to him. at this point, he's trying to learn whatever else he can, and find something less corporate for the near future. his teaching gig @ au this semester may expand into something viable, but he won't necessarily know until the end of summer, so i'm feeling a little pressured (not by him) to find a gig that works.
i've felt very complimented on my writing the past coupla weeks, which is lovely because it's what i want to be doing- ideally, i'd slowly phase out acting (except for projects that really call to me) and make a living writing. but i been unable to convince anybody to pay me to write. the radio station is a kinda-writing gig, but they won't hire me fulltime because i don't actually have any radio experience, except for freelancing for them for a little over a year, and they're npr, with people begging to be hired who have years of radio experience, and contacts in places like prague and afghanistan. the only time i worked for the media was in trini, pre-college, so i have no such contacts to ease my lack of radio experience. they love me as a freelancer, but i don't bring enough to the table to be hired by npr fulltime.
there are lots of promising rejection letters for my fiction, which i expect (remember, i currently audition for a living) and can deal with just fine, but i wish i could somehow pay the bills doing the things i like and am good at (at least, so says those who read my work, but they, unfortunately, don't have work to offer) while i wade through the years of rejection before hopefully getting somewhere as an author.
when i went to university, everybody said it's nearly inpossible to make a living in theatre, unless you make it big, but i've succeeded. i've never held a job outside of the arts+entertainment arena, and never not paid the bills. problem is, now i have a family (small, but a family+home nonetheless) so the "actor's diet" (bills paid, but otherwise broke) is no longer an option since it's not fair to put somebody else through that just because i'm cool with it. and grims is holding down a fulltime job so i can freelance and work on my book, but he's a designer, and needs his chance to pursue his creative dreams too. and i know i could wait tables or find an office-assistant-esque thing while i worked on my book instead, so that i could have a regular job and write and grims could freelance, but having gone my entire working life surviving strictly on work in my field (even when i worked as a teen, it was as a counsellor in a theatre camp), it would be a hugely depressing step backwards to do that. but i don't wanna stifle grims. but i don't wanna settle.
the other problem with stepping outside of arts+entertainment for financial reasons is that since the last time i left behind something i was good at and enjoyed, i haven't been able to go back. truth is, i unknowingly set myself up for this.
i worked for a newspaper in trini before college, and did well. then i ran off to study theatre in dc. i continued to write for the paper when i was home on vacation, but acting gradually took precedence, and once i went on tour, writing for the newspaper @ home was no longer viable (neither was dancing, hence the now-hibernating body i need to recover). now, i want to act less and write more, but because when i was in university i focussed on theatre, i have no relevant work experience as a writer. i know i can do it (and have) but the only stuff i have that's portfolio worthy was written 10years ago (i'm so much better now) for a tiny newspaper nobody here has ever heard of. plus, i only worked there for a year-and-change, since it was pre-uni. npr requires 5years work experience. other gigs require at least 3. and of course, i no longer have a writing gig in trini either (although when i get back there, i can fix that much easier than i can here).
it's also relatively hard for me to pick up acting gigs here in dc, because i'm not american enough for black american characters, and apparently have the face of someone in their late teens. it's rare to be able to cast that, and it only works out in children's theatre, or when a company's specifically looking for a diverse cast, an 'outsider' character, or an adult to play a child not related to anybody else in the piece.
it's wonderful that those who read my work enjoy it, but @ this point, i may have to give up writing to pay the bills and let grims out of a gig he's not happy with. he's been holding down the fort while i freelance for 3+ years now, and i want to support him the way he supports me. but i don't wanna settle. i wish now that i hadn't let my sunday column go because it's something i could do from here, and i was good- my editor appreciated me and readers loved it- but now i see that leading a double life since coming to dc in '98 has only diminished each, rather than their being supplemental.
i'll never be american enough as an actor in dc (and on the odd occasion when i have been, leaving it onstage was very important to me, and i'm upset at the still-lingering adjustments) and i don't have the contacts or experience i need as a writer.
but, my life is the best. i adore grims, he's the best husband, we have a home, i'm writing this blog, working on my fiction, getting ready to submit stuff again, doing shakespeare (and another show in a coupla months), and getting positive feedback...
so why can't i stop feeling like my life has been hijacked, and if i'd gone back to trini i'd be doing what i love for a living?
i need to get off the rollercoaster.

walk good.