Friday, June 17, 2005

insomnia's a bitch

i've had trouble sleeping for all of my life that i can remember. by the time i cleared my late teens, i felt lucky if i got 4hours a night. and i hate that dual frustration- knowing that no matter how wide awake and lively you feel right then as you can't sleep, you'll regret it sometime later, and simultaneously thinking, "is sleep. how hard could it be?", as you fail.
in university, a smart person told me that i needed to retrain myself to instinctively connect my bedroom and bed with sleep, rather than reading and sex, which was (and, for better or worse, still is because is not like i giving up either) my usual connection.
when me+grims got together, one of the early clues that he was going to work out was that i started sleeping. i slept through however much of the night was left whenever we slept together, and even started falling asleep on his lap in the middle of the day. i finally had naps!
i got so spoiled that now i like this sleep-thing, and when i can't, usually because he's not around, i actually feel tired, as opposed to those days when i was so unused to regular sleep that i was fully functional regardless.
but grims is on the day shift now, which means he gets up around 5am and leaves around 6. i wake up when i notice he's not next to me, stay half-awake to hug and kiss him before he walks out the door (in spite of him trying to convince me to go back to sleep because he knows i don't get enough) then as soon as he leaves, i can't sleep for shit. i stare @ the ceiling from about 6-8am, then sometimes finally doze off, only to be woken by horrible nightmares (another long-standing feature of my insomnia that his prescence usually prevents).
so i've been wide awake since 6am-ish, and yes, i got shit done and all that, but fuck that shit. i'd rather have grims and a nap.

on a completely separate note- been talking about feeling productive lately (and even managed to finally have some fiction to show you for it), and this week when i tried to call my mom in toronto, i accidentally called somewhere that might come in handy later...
them: dynamite shop, can i help you?
me: oh. is this not the holiday inn?
them: the what? uh...yes, we sell dynamite. what do you need?
me: sorry, i have the wrong number.

so. is it really that easy to buy? i never thought about it, but now that i have the number...
let the productivity continue (just not @ the further expense of my sleep and grims-time)!
walk good.


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