sunday bloody sunday

slept like crap last night (this morning, after sunup, really) so after finally getting out the bed early this afternoon, i promptly fell asleep on the couch. but now grims' pardner jp's over so they can watch that game americans like to call football, so since the steelers mean nothing to me (i've actually denounced the state of pennsylvania, so it's not just a sports thing) i figured i'd write something. i need to feel productive.
i've been thinking about life and all that shit, since it seems everybody we know is doing 'grownup' things lately- jp+sonomi pregnant, jake+jen moving in, my extra-marital boyfriend and his actual girlfriend just moved in, stephen+chrystyna preparing for conception, mweia+osiris started their own business, scrawn+richard working on a house downpayment to be followed by a baby next year...
there was a time when some of my friends felt like i was doing the 'grownup' thing because i was the first to get married in a couple circles, then we bought a house. but the fact is, we got married because it was the only way we could be together. i love being married and definitely don't regret it, but i always said i was never getting married, and if there'd been another way to be together (ie. live in the same country) we'd be living happily in sin instead. the rings and vows and shit weren't the point for us. and the house was just cheaper than paying rent in the district. so even though we did the 'grownup' stuff almost 3years ago, we didn't feel 'grownup' when we did it. it wasn't about the marriage and house. it was a necessity of geography and citizenship rules, and cost-effectiveness.
and believe me- if i hadn't fallen ridiculously in love with him, i would be home eating bake+shark on maracas bay. i would never have looked back at america. people always assume i'm working on citizenship instead of being a resident and his wife, and i'm asking "why the hell would i want to do that?"- american citizenship is not even remotely appealing to me. and right now, neither is a baby. that next step of 'grownupness' is nowhere on my horizon because i never thought we were being 'grownup' in the first place.
i don't know if that makes sense, or if it's all in my head, but when my friends tell me they're trying to get pregnant and ask when i'll be doing it, i find myself aghast at the adult turns of their lives, until they remind me that i'm a nearly-3-years-married woman. and then i'm shocked at how 'grownup' i sound in that context!
grims' parents are all about grandchildren, my sister and cousins desperately want a niece, and my father called me @ 7am to ask when we were planning to have a baby, and all i could think was "i can't even keep the plants alive yet!"- he's concerned that i'm "not getting any younger" @ the ripe old age of 27 and i'm concerned that i'm not sure i can take care of myself and the house yet, in spite of one of those 2 things being inanimate...
all of which is to say that the baby question is currently out of the question, and my friends 'grownup' changes like moving in and having babies of their own is fuckin' scary! maybe when we can put ourselves to bed and then wake up at a reasonable hour, maybe when i have a job, maybe when taxes don't end our lives for a few months every year, maybe when we finally fix the roof and the front door, maybe when i no longer fall up and down the stairs...maybe...

walk good.