the perfect job

just found it!
i just read about a company called "ultrabang associates" (hope they haven't disappeared like the goddamn soul-buyers) that hires hardcore klutzes to test products for 'foolproofness'. this is made for me- grims always says i'm the only person he knows who falls up stairs. i still bang every available body part on furniture and banisters that haven't moved in 2years. i fall down the stairs as much as i fall up them (nah. more.) and i broke at least one of the fine dishes we registered for when we got married within days of owning them. i even broke my engagement ring before the wedding. i've had at least 2 concussions, one of which was accompanied by the breaking of my glasses (which i still do often, the last time being during a lettuce fight with zed in london- yes, i know nobody else has lettuce fights. it was her fault, and the 2nd pair of my glases she broke, the 1st being a dance-class dressingroom tussle). i drop anything not superglued to my hand, break and lose jewellery on a rotating monthly basis, and can't miss the puddles if i try. i bang my head on shelves in spite of being only 5'1" and cut my hands to shit washing the dishes. i also keep acquiring bruises that i can't account for and trip over my own feet regularly, sometimes bad enough to twist an ankle or require stitches. i have a basic balance problem that manifests itself anytime i try to self-sustain an upright posture. i've fallen out of a parked car. it's why i keep my ass cushiony- survival tactic.
grims also just pointed out that this is a big step in self-realisation for me. i guess he thinks i'm more of a klutz than i know. but the prospect of using it for the forces of good, or at least the forces of money, makes it all clear to me now.
but even more than all this, what makes me truly perfect for the job is that somehow, i don't break bones. i've strained, sprained and pulled almost everything (dancing will do that even if the dropsy doesn't), i've slammed the same finger with 2" pneumatic staples twice, i have permanent gouges on the insides of my cheeks from accidentally biting them with every meal, and still can't maintain my glasses or contacts, but i don't do damage that requires splints or casts to fix. stitches are the furthest my inner klutz has taken me, and i think this feature could only help a professional (or aspiring) fool...
so ultrabang recruiters, email me. i'm ready, willing, still in one piece, and at least temporarily conscious.

walk good.