making the im/possible

my life would be considerably easier if i could not be myself in non-performance situations, if i could successfully react to my circumstances like a different person, because myself has a tendency to make risky choices for myself and difficult-to-fulfill demands of life in the endeavour to live by my principles and the universe's alone- one of mine is persisting with the idea that i can survive (i.e. rent+utilities so i can live alone as i need) freelancing in the arts in trinidad+tobago, when i doh write advertising copy, work for the newsmedia or government, teach at an academic institution, or make soca or farce- making my life more difficult seem to be my fulltime job.
problem is, my dreams tied to making them come true here, in this place, in this space, home. my future success cannot be success if i have to go outside to find it. is not enough to make/art/wuk; i must make/art/wuk here.
so i wear my warriorwoman face while i select projects not recklessly but regardless of endangering pocket and sometimes survival, let myself do as i am compelled, conquer them fears, because the $ will come...and i owe, and i stress, and i write+delete+write some more, agonise over my mother's growing concerns and my growing debt, agonise over my dialogue, my prose, find a few more grey hairs, wonder if i should be agonising over those, wonder if my state is acceptable at this stage+age...then remember who i am and what strength runs in me...
i will make these impossible dreams real.
walk good.