"h" and other letters

we start tech for h today, the dance show i been in rehearsal for (not the only ting i rehearsing recently, but other gig getting its own post so everybody could know carnival band "explosion" on shit and doh deserve your support/$). we@littlecarib this week, performing thursday-sunday, 6pm curtain to accommodate curfew- is the 1st time our director showing a collection of her choreography so we doing pieces created from 20years ago to 3weeks ago. i have a fun little stardust solo with a brolly, plus in the group winery piece and the drum piece (cyah call it a folk piece because is a folk-limon fusion and the limon technique makes it not at all what my brain conjures everytime folk rehearsal call, leading to repeated-tiny-disappointment syndrome). i have mixed feelings about the drum piece partly because of false advertising frustrating my dancing desires, and partly because of a solo-sharing arrangement that starting to feel unfair:

when this piece was cast i was told i was in the group sections plus understudying the soloist (also does duet). i wasn't told we were double-cast, but that i was understudying, as in, only going on if someting prevent the soloist from performing. rehearsals underway, and the soloist never rehearses the sections she in with us; i hear she cyah make any of our rehearsals and choreographer been working with her separately; i also start hearing she going new york for a month to return a week before opening. she rehearses once with us before going n.y. carrying tape of the piece, i have 2rehearsals for duet+solo each in addition to group rehearsals, live drummers join us, i dance the solo+duet plus sections i in but soloist not in @every rehearsal, but only get to work solo+duet once each with drums. 2weeks to show i hitting my stride with the solo+duet (choreographer done say i'm 1 of the strongest in group sections) and director/choreographer say i wukkin hard and wukkin it and will perform 2-of-4shows, pick 2 nights, my choice; i say lemme see when my people can come and i'll choose based on that, and a week before tech tell her none of my people making thursday night and some coming friday. couple days later she say she eh sure the soloist will be ready when she reach back so i should do opening(thursday) so we look good media night; i remind her none of my people can make thursday and ask how we'd accommodate that; no clear answer. a week before opening, soloist rejoins rehearsal uncertain of choreography in spite of watching tape, and marks everything the whole time; dancers saying she eh ready and i need to do all 4nights, i try to give the benefit of the doubt and put ego aside and put it down to 1st time back and absentee drums; hear her moms coming sunday and ask choreographer/director who doing which nights, to no avail. yesterday we did a run of show, stopping only to work soloist+duet with drums and work her into group and she mark again. choreographer keep saying she not gonna be ready and i hadda do thursday, i keep reminding her i already picked not-thursday. i start wondering why, if she telling me homegirl not ready plus homegirl now telling me the same, are we wukkin so hard to make sure homegirl gets 2nights even though me doing opening/media night would be a favour for the director/choreographer and screw me? it starting to feel like if they want me to do thursday as a favour and homegirl moms coming sunday, considering how much we each committed+wuk for this, i should just do thursday-saturday and she do sunday...

anyway, with that building on top of the (still unpaid) frustrations of dealing with "explosion" shittongs up to a week ago, when i found this forgotten note it felt like i need/deserve it for this show like never before:

this is the perfect example of why i need to fuck post-performance: at 4.52a.m. i was eating potato salad over my kitchen sink in a desperate attempt to silence the controllable 1 of the voices aiding+abetting my insomnia. no amount of smoke could quell the others, all critiquing my every moment onstage and even backstage, or bring sleep. i stopped the stomach growls and still had to masturbate. if i had somebody willing to bring me home and fuck me senseless post-show, i'd fall out immediately after with none of the shit i putting up with from my brain...
walk good.
ps: almost forgot, letters...jes get spam with subject line "this email is for the owner of this account"- not as imaginative as spam used to be...