wethepublic

these nights the silence is a wall of oppression staunching my attempts at productivity;

doh sleep to dream when nightmares stalk dreams to change the world.

these are dark days, my love,

dark days, one with cowering nights, hiding from the tramp of those government boots...

republic(1979) of sweet trinbago, as strange as it is irresistible.

as a people we show talent all outta proportion, way more than should swim in our tiny pool, yet we refuse to think for or help ourselves, no matter how many times our representatives prove they not truly for we. we drown ourselves in fantasy lifestyles and religion rather than contemplate our reality, thus never identify and run no risk of resolving our problems.

republic [noun]: state or nation in which the supreme power rests in all the citizens entitled to vote (the electorate), and is exercised by representatives elected, directly or indirectly, by them, and responsible to them.

from res publica: a public affair.

the state of the nation is that the people, or some significant portion of the people, retain supreme control over the government, and offices of state are not granted through heritage. yet [i say again] our people and natural resources are put in harm’s way to fatten the pockets of the few we have given the power to put their own financial independence above the nation’s welfare. the value of this nation is in its people, underfed+underemployed, potential underresourced+undersupported, creativity squeezed into ever-tighter mental boxes to fit in the mainstream, a people represented by individuals independent of conscience, concern and responsibility toward we who give them authority.

fundamental rights and freedoms under the constitution of the republic of trinidad+tobago:
a. the right of the individual to life, liberty, security of the person and enjoyment of property and the right not to be deprived thereof except by due process of law;
b. the right of the individual to equality before the law and the protection of the law;
c. the right of the individual to respect for his private and family life;
d. the right of the individual to equality of treatment from any public authority in the exercise of any functions;
e. the right to join political parties and to express political views;
f. the right of a parent or guardian to provide a school of his own choice for the education of his child or ward;
g. freedom of movement;
h. freedom of conscience and religious belief and observance;
i. freedom of thought and expression;
j. freedom of association and assembly; and
k. freedom of the press.

with these in mind i offer 2 items percolating and waiting to be aired:

c.l.r.james on working democracy
and a reminder of the brutality of the denial of our rights.
walk good.

"h" and other letters

we start tech for h today, the dance show i been in rehearsal for (not the only ting i rehearsing recently, but other gig getting its own post so everybody could know carnival band "explosion" on shit and doh deserve your support/$). we@littlecarib this week, performing thursday-sunday, 6pm curtain to accommodate curfew- is the 1st time our director showing a collection of her choreography so we doing pieces created from 20years ago to 3weeks ago. i have a fun little stardust solo with a brolly, plus in the group winery piece and the drum piece (cyah call it a folk piece because is a folk-limon fusion and the limon technique makes it not at all what my brain conjures everytime folk rehearsal call, leading to repeated-tiny-disappointment syndrome). i have mixed feelings about the drum piece partly because of false advertising frustrating my dancing desires, and partly because of a solo-sharing arrangement that starting to feel unfair:

when this piece was cast i was told i was in the group sections plus understudying the soloist (also does duet). i wasn't told we were double-cast, but that i was understudying, as in, only going on if someting prevent the soloist from performing. rehearsals underway, and the soloist never rehearses the sections she in with us; i hear she cyah make any of our rehearsals and choreographer been working with her separately; i also start hearing she going new york for a month to return a week before opening. she rehearses once with us before going n.y. carrying tape of the piece, i have 2rehearsals for duet+solo each in addition to group rehearsals, live drummers join us, i dance the solo+duet plus sections i in but soloist not in @every rehearsal, but only get to work solo+duet once each with drums. 2weeks to show i hitting my stride with the solo+duet (choreographer done say i'm 1 of the strongest in group sections) and director/choreographer say i wukkin hard and wukkin it and will perform 2-of-4shows, pick 2 nights, my choice; i say lemme see when my people can come and i'll choose based on that, and a week before tech tell her none of my people making thursday night and some coming friday. couple days later she say she eh sure the soloist will be ready when she reach back so i should do opening(thursday) so we look good media night; i remind her none of my people can make thursday and ask how we'd accommodate that; no clear answer. a week before opening, soloist rejoins rehearsal uncertain of choreography in spite of watching tape, and marks everything the whole time; dancers saying she eh ready and i need to do all 4nights, i try to give the benefit of the doubt and put ego aside and put it down to 1st time back and absentee drums; hear her moms coming sunday and ask choreographer/director who doing which nights, to no avail. yesterday we did a run of show, stopping only to work soloist+duet with drums and work her into group and she mark again. choreographer keep saying she not gonna be ready and i hadda do thursday, i keep reminding her i already picked not-thursday. i start wondering why, if she telling me homegirl not ready plus homegirl now telling me the same, are we wukkin so hard to make sure homegirl gets 2nights even though me doing opening/media night would be a favour for the director/choreographer and screw me? it starting to feel like if they want me to do thursday as a favour and homegirl moms coming sunday, considering how much we each committed+wuk for this, i should just do thursday-saturday and she do sunday...

anyway, with that building on top of the (still unpaid) frustrations of dealing with "explosion" shittongs up to a week ago, when i found this forgotten note it felt like i need/deserve it for this show like never before:

this is the perfect example of why i need to fuck post-performance: at 4.52a.m. i was eating potato salad over my kitchen sink in a desperate attempt to silence the controllable 1 of the voices aiding+abetting my insomnia. no amount of smoke could quell the others, all critiquing my every moment onstage and even backstage, or bring sleep. i stopped the stomach growls and still had to masturbate. if i had somebody willing to bring me home and fuck me senseless post-show, i'd fall out immediately after with none of the shit i putting up with from my brain...
walk good.
ps: almost forgot, letters...jes get spam with subject line "this email is for the owner of this account"- not as imaginative as spam used to be...

fragments, exorcised

bits+pieces i been meaning to say but never got around to crafting, but still wanna get out:

they say you don't remember pain, you remember it hurt bad but not how it actually felt, but i put on those pointe shoes for the 1st time in over 10years and before i even went up my toes screamed my betrayal of our agreement to never do that again. still i went up. or at least my left (i think) foot did; my right (the other, either way) refused pointe-blank. my feet have not yet forgiven me, and i understand.

these baby lizards need to get smarter+faster; is not like i tiptoe, i live alone. how i end up crushing 1 and de-tail-ing another in 1week?

woke up a morning this carnival with 2 small punctures on my thigh, spaced about 4 front teeth apart, black+blue around the holes; next evening a bat started flying through...i feel fine though...[months later, the bat is a regular; i almost worry if too many nights pass without the swift swoopy circling above my head]

walk good.