doctor's orders

i don't know about you, but poor grims is miserably sick and i could use a laugh today.
disclaimer: i don't know about the authenticity of the courtroom stuff below, but true or not, it amused me enough that i giving you as i get it.
but 1st, from my mother, once again:
when i got home last night, my wife demanded that i take her someplace expensive. so, i took her to a gas station...and then the fight started...
after retiring, i went to the social security office to apply for social security. the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. i looked in my pockets and realized i had left my wallet at home. i told the woman that i was very sorry, but i would have to go home and come back later. the woman said, "unbutton your shirt". so i opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. she said, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my social security application. when i got home, i excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. she said, "you should have dropped your pants. you might have gotten disability, too." and then the fight started...
my wife and i were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and i kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. my wife asked, "do you know her?". "yes," i sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. i understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear she hasn't been sober since". "my god!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" and then the fight started...
i rear-ended a car this morning. so, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. you know how sometimes you just get sooo stressed and little things just seem funny? yeah, well, i couldn't believe it...he was a dwarf!!! he stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" so, i looked down at him and said, "well, then which one are you?" and then the fight started...

these are from a book called disorder in the american courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. (edit: see disclaimer)
ATTORNEY: are you sexually active?
WITNESS: no, i just lie there.

ATTORNEY: what gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: gucci sweats and reeboks.

ATTORNEY: this myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: yes.
ATTORNEY: and in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: i forget.
ATTORNEY: you forget? can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: what was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: he said, "where am i, cathy?"
ATTORNEY: and why did that upset you?
WITNESS: my name is susan!

ATTORNEY: do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: we both do.
ATTORNEY: voodoo?
WITNESS: we do.
ATTORNEY: you do?
WITNESS: yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: the youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: are you shittin' me?

ATTORNEY: so the date of conception (of the baby) was august 8th?
WITNESS: yes.
ATTORNEY: and what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: uh...i was gettin' laid!

ATTORNEY: she had three children, right?
WITNESS: yes.
ATTORNEY: how many were boys?
WITNESS: none.
ATTORNEY: were there any girls?
WITNESS: are you kidding? your honor, i think i need a different attorney. can i get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: how was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: by death.
ATTORNEY: and by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: he was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: guess.

ATTORNEY: is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which i sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: no, this is how i dress when i go to work.

ATTORNEY: doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: all my autopsies are performed on dead people. would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: all your responses MUST be oral, ok? what school did you go to?
WITNESS: oral.

ATTORNEY: do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: the autopsy started around 8:30pm.
ATTORNEY: and mr. denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: no, he was sitting on the table, wondering why i was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: huh...are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: no.
ATTORNEY: did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: no.
ATTORNEY: did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: no.
ATTORNEY: so, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: no.
ATTORNEY: how can you be so sure, doctor?
WITNESS: because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: i see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law...

walk good.