lockoff

i do forgive, i just never forget. and my never forgetting is not about holding onto resentment, but about the fact that i try to learn from my mistakes, so my memory remains explicit about anything that doesn't fall out in a way that pleases me. no fuckery is to be repeated.
and i might be an idealist about art but i'm a realist about myself and my life, so if i know it's impossible to have something, i decide i don't want it. it's much easier to deal with.
these things lead to the lock off.
it takes a lot for me to get to the point of locking off somebody, because i'm blessed with good judgement about who i want to get close to- if a person is likely to do something that results in my having to lock them off, chances are i'll never spend enough time with them for it to happen. it goes back to my basic hedonism, i guess- if i don't enjoy it, i don't do it, and that applies to people too.
but on the odd occasion that i do have to lock off somebody, once i lock them off there's no going back. it doesn't matter what the person does to atone or how they may change, because it's not about them- when i lock you off, i lose interest in your existence. so there's no going back, not because i continue to dislike you or be angry with you; there's no going back because you're a nonentity. i've learned what i needed to from you.
people have said that they think my forgiving but not forgetting is not true forgiveness, but i beg to differ. i don't forget for my own purposes. not because i can't let go of what happened- if i never again speak to those involved, it because they've ceased to exist, not because i'm still mad. people need to get over themselves and realise that as self-centred as they are, we each are, so i can't be bothered to stay mad @ somebody- it's all about me, and maybe i just don't enjoy your company anymore...
anyway, i've had to lock off more people in dc in 8years than in my entire life in trinbago, and at least 2 of them were working acquaintances (and a 3rd, a friend who occasionally dabbles in theatre). i never thought that actors were all sociopaths, as often stereotyped, but i'm beginning to think that in the usa, it's true...
more later.
walk good.