Monday, April 10, 2006

slippin

it starting to show because i'm worn away @ the edges. i feel the protective layer peeling back to expose my...disgust? scorn? overall fedupness.
it's this america thing.
i never counted on being here so long and i'm just not maintaining.
i'm losing my patience with the politically correct, self-apologetic, passive aggressive, overly nasal bullshit reverberating in my ears and cranium. i'm tired of standing in lines with people who think it matters if you wear white before labour day or after memorial day or whatever the fuck that's about, and believe in wearing certain colours in certain seasons rather than wearing whatever's clean that you feel prepared in. i'm sick of trying to avoid the stereotype just to counteract how often it's true. appalled @ the weather. ready to collect up the relatively few people i like and get the fuck out. this is why i don't like a lot of people- it keeps your family all on 1 travel-safe vessel.
i'm getting snappy with people i usually call friends but not because i don't like them anymore or never considered them friends. i'm just impatient with their americanness. i want to break them and put them back together with the same personalities, but a more comprehensive view of the world, a refreshed frame of reference, and better voices/accents (when i went to au i dreaded riding the shuttle because i felt like the sorostitute squeal was piercing a hole in my skull big enough that the tertiary education we were supposedly acquiring together would be moot. i hated every one of them). and being here in the 1st place doesn't put me in a very forgiving mental state to start with. every time i leave the house i'm unreasonably grumpy because i'll have to deal with people. even when i go to meet friends, i'm grumpy when i first arrive and it has to wear off as they remind me why i liked them enough to come out. the thing is, it's not about them. i know i always eventually enjoy these friends, which is why i go, but stepping out of my front door into america fucks up my mood. sometimes i don't answer the phone so i don't have to hear an american voice. but it's not that i don't want to talk to that individual caller, i just need a moment to ready myself for the conversation so i have to check voicemail and call back.
my snappiness is bad because sometimes i don't mean to be mean, i'm just in a bad mood because i'm in america. people ask me if i'm ok and i say yes and they doubt me because i seem irritable, but the truth is that i am ok except for the annoyingly concerned voice irritating me. and it's not the concerned party's fault.

but i think what bothers me most is what it does to me directly. after 8years and several directors schooling my intonation for american stage i hate the way i sound, harsher and less lyrical tones putting "r"s on the end of "her" and saying "stoopid". ugh. although, the latter i said only for the specific production in which i was required to call somebody "stoopid" twice. rehearsals and run only.
i don't hate americans. i just hate the symptoms of living in america.
i will try to stop harping on how much i need out.
walk good.

6 Comments:

Blogger justacoolcat said...

I can understand your frustration, and I recal a prior post of yours about America's lack of homogeny which you called a national identity, but remember America is a big country. The state I live in, Minnesota, covers 79,610 square miles while Trinidad covers 1864 square miles.

It's a dangerous midset to preach of "a more comprehensive view of the world, a refreshed frame of reference, and better voices/accents" about such a huge country full of culture and variety.

Just my two cents.

6:18 pm  
Blogger Kari said...

http://kari-world.blogspot.com/

Sorry, couldn't find your e-mail addy. I blogrolled you.

8:41 pm  
Blogger sweet trini said...

justacoolcat, i hear what you're saying, but here's the thing(s): i believe in informed opinions- i agree that america's a big country with lots of variety that i haven't experienced every bit of, but i have met americans from every single state, literally, and have seen several states myself, having been here for 8years and visited plenty prior, and what i posted is my relatively informed opinion. i'm more informed about america(ns) than some of america itself.
minor note: having met americans from every single state, only 3 have voices (audible only, or i'd count jj and some other writers too) i truly enjoy: grims is a straight case of in-love-ness, and the other 2 are trained professionals, at least 1 of them with caribbean roots tempering her accent anyway. i've heard them all and never heard an american accent i liked (as an actor, i'm paying attention).
with regard to your size comparison, because of our history trinbago is also very varied without being nearly as large, so unless i'm misunderstanding you, i consider that point somewhat moot...
last thing: the post you're referring to was actually about australia's lack of a national identity, not america's. i said that america does have national identity(ies), and i also do not equate national identity/culture with homogeny (anybody who wants to know what was said, the post woulda been late january/early february 2006 when we got back from australia and i did a series of oz posts).
i hope you come back and continue this discussion...
walk good.
ps: thanks for the linkage kari...

12:44 am  
Blogger JJ said...

I get you, Trini. But try to remember that 48% of Americans feel the way you do. Now our crazy president is talking about using nuclear weapons on a country that poses us no threat.

Unfortunately for us Americans, we have nowhere to go home to. The America we called home has been taken over by jackbooted storm troopers.

I've been thinking about moving to Europe, maybe I should go to Trini, instead.

10:11 am  
Blogger Kari said...

Just to jump off of what you said ST, I've met people right here in my own Florida sphere who have never left the state.

I've also met those from other states who may or may not have traveled across the country and experienced America's own subculture, but have no desire to leave the continent.

It's almost as if the sheer size of the country hinders a more global perspective, encourages a kind of... one-dimensionality. Why leave if you have everything you want right here, right?

A "more comprehensive" view of the world can be easily assumed by, say, watching the news, but something that cannot be taught is the experience and perspective that comes from living elsewhere or immersing yourself in another culture - another culture wholly its own.

2:48 pm  
Blogger justacoolcat said...

Trini - Sorry, I forgot about this post otherwise I would have participated more.

4:41 pm  

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