it starting to show because i'm worn away @ the edges. i feel the protective layer peeling back to expose my...disgust? scorn? overall fedupness.
it's this america thing.
i never counted on being here so long and i'm just not maintaining.
i'm losing my patience with the politically correct, self-apologetic, passive aggressive, overly nasal bullshit reverberating in my ears and cranium. i'm tired of standing in lines with people who think it matters if you wear white before labour day or after memorial day or whatever the fuck that's about, and believe in wearing certain colours in certain seasons rather than wearing whatever's clean that you feel prepared in. i'm sick of trying to avoid the stereotype just to counteract how often it's true. appalled @ the weather. ready to collect up the relatively few people i like and get the fuck out. this is why i don't like a lot of people- it keeps your family all on 1 travel-safe vessel.
i'm getting snappy with people i usually call friends but not because i don't like them anymore or never considered them friends. i'm just impatient with their americanness. i want to break them and put them back together with the same personalities, but a more comprehensive view of the world, a refreshed frame of reference, and better voices/accents (when i went to au i dreaded riding the shuttle because i felt like the sorostitute squeal was piercing a hole in my skull big enough that the tertiary education we were supposedly acquiring together would be moot. i hated every one of them). and being here in the 1st place doesn't put me in a very forgiving mental state to start with. every time i leave the house i'm unreasonably grumpy because i'll have to deal with people. even when i go to meet friends, i'm grumpy when i first arrive and it has to wear off as they remind me why i liked them enough to come out. the thing is, it's not about them. i know i always eventually enjoy these friends, which is why i go, but stepping out of my front door into america fucks up my mood. sometimes i don't answer the phone so i don't have to hear an american voice. but it's not that i don't want to talk to that individual caller, i just need a moment to ready myself for the conversation so i have to check voicemail and call back.
my snappiness is bad because sometimes i don't mean to be mean, i'm just in a bad mood because i'm in america. people ask me if i'm ok and i say yes and they doubt me because i seem irritable, but the truth is that i am ok except for the annoyingly concerned voice irritating me. and it's not the concerned party's fault.
but i think what bothers me most is what it does to me directly. after 8years and several directors schooling my intonation for american stage i hate the way i sound, harsher and less lyrical tones putting "r"s on the end of "her" and saying "stoopid". ugh. although, the latter i said only for the specific production in which i was required to call somebody "stoopid" twice. rehearsals and run only.
i don't hate americans. i just hate the symptoms of living in america.
i will try to stop harping on how much i need out.