Tuesday, March 28, 2006

pirate porrrn: rated arrr?

big up jake, to whom i'm eternally grateful for providing me with the opportunity to see 2hours+7minutes of something i otherwise prob'ly wouldn'ta...
pirates!
features full opening credits and an original swashbuckling score. promising @ the outset, starting ironically with some pirate ho getting dressed to begin the 1st sex scene- i'm sorry, she wasn't a ho yet, that 1st scene was between her and her recently acquired husband.
they were both lame and her boob job was atrocious- apparently a theme in this movie- plus, i'm not sure that condoms are historically correct, unless they're sheepskin...
now here's the thing about pirates!: it comes complete with grizzled dudes, far too old and just so excited that they're anywhere near a porno @ this stage in their lives that they're even attempting accents and (necessarily short) bad swordfights; it comes complete with a legless tattooed assassin and multiple multiply tattooed lusty wenches in cleavage-amplifying corsets; it comes complete with a wannabe glass eye (which then proved to be a contact lens that moved in conjunction with the "good" eye throughout the movie, just like a real glass eye wouldn't); it comes complete with men wearing ruffled shirts and rings on all fingers and thumbs and with teeth that suggest scurvy, a pirate's wife wearing a pearl necklace for a little symbolism, and an asian dude to train the pirates in the use of gunpowder and cannons. and "shiver me timbers" and "ahoy/avast matey" were said, more than once each.
however, as a pirate flick, the skeleton scene was too short and uninvolved, and the movie completely lacked parrots, peglegs and hooks-for-hands.
as a porno, there were only 2 sex scenes in the 1st 37minutes, no fucking-with-peglegs at all, no advantage taken of the skeleton 'bones', and the only guy who warranted the "captain hook" moniker (who looked like vincent dinofrio with eyeliner) didn't have a hook-for-hand; as grims said of his hook, he could cum on his own face (is there a reason for "cum" being spelled this way in this context? oxford dictionary says it's a preposition meaning with, together with, also used as: eg. bedroom-cum-study, which is a very apropos eg., but oxford doesn't include the ejaculatory meaning, and it couldn't be for prudishness, since "cunt" is lower down the same page) but we figure dinofrio-with-eyeliner got cast 'cause he cums like a cannon.
pirates! dialogue included lines like, "when the time comes we'll do what the doing needs done," (followed by the slicing of throats), and following a cumshot in a church, the pirate hunter said, "i'm the greatest pirate hunter in the world!" which the 2 bad boob jobs repeated, in chorus. and no, that was not the conclusion of a mentionworthy menage-a-trois because it was more like regular heterosex, with a bad boob job occasionally playing with herself on the side. and the dude in the scene felt it necessary to comment on how good he looked (i disagreed) in his ridiculously-ruffled pirate shirt (disguise for pirate-hunting, i presume) and kept blowing his long hair off his forehead like the little mermaid does when she's sitting on the big rock.
i was, however, later amused by lines like, "you have forgotten the most important passion. lust. without that you are nothing. lick it!" (and that dude, for having a relatively small package, delivered on time), and even later, "rid me of her scurvy vagina!" and after a cannon battle on board, some dude said, "i think i shit in my pants".
in my opinion, jesse jane is lame and unsexy with her bad boob job, as is (again, for me) the expression "choke on it". also unsexy was the large number of cleft chins in this movie, men+women's alike. plus the inclusion of random asian dude, i thought, made room for a pirates+ninjas scene, an opportunity director "joone" wasted.
now this is not an overall pong. there were several points of interest:
1. i'd never watched a sex scene go down in a burning building- jake pointed out the implication that the blowjob was good enough to die for, but all i could think about was what a singed scrotum must feel like, since it was dangling low enough to make me believe the fire in the room was real...
2. watching the hair-shaped-heart on some chick's snatch made me wonder whether a brazilian (or any other) wax would be period either (responses from those who know, please), and then we were entertained by some bad boob job whose wax missed one extremely long (at least an inch) blonde hair that seemed to have a life of its own in her sex scene.
3. pirates, at least the ones in porn, greet wenches by shaking their breasts instead of hands.
4. girl-on-girl scenes were straight-up violent (not my style, but noteworthy), including lusty wenches bitchslapping, breastspanking, and spitting on each other (not spit-on-the-snatch-for-germy-lubrication, but spitting at each other's faces and shit).
5. even in pirate porn, wenches keep their shoes on while otherwise naked. ugly boots, in this case...
6. in pirate porn, the clothing magically disappears, literally, maybe because the "talent" isn't capable of gracefully or rough+sexily untying and unbuckling the elaborate costumes...
7. the finale- another violent lesbian scene, but it involved something i've never seen before and prob'ly never will again- double penetration with lit candles...
i'll leave that to your imagination, but yes, the lit ends were sticking out, not in...
walk good.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

it was fu the chinese dude who said he shit his pants after setting off a cannon shot large enough to rip the other ship in two like the titanic. Just thought you might like the clarification.

Grims

9:04 pm  
Anonymous Castle Megastore said...

I'm imaging every actions in your story and damn, makes me feel like ahh I wanna fuck.haha That said, it would be great to use adult sex toys to add pleasure and romance.

9:51 am  
Anonymous B Swish said...

When they shake their boobs instead of shaking their hands to greet you. LOL That's a clear intention that they want to have sex on you.

10:34 pm  

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