Friday, February 07, 2014

end of an era

moving done. the st.james flat no longer mine, its murals sit unwatched or already painted over, i doh even know...nor do i particularly care, i find, surprised...been saying since they reach i cyah imagine giving them up, and when rent$ was nowhere in sight and i deeply reconsidered the financial counterintelligence i was engaging in to maintain that space i loved so, they were what stopped me from giving up, giving in. yet now i moving away, leaving them behind, and finding myself relatively unmoved.
the end of an era; slightly sad to see, but with no regret or longing or desire to hold onto it, in full agreement that now is the time the time is now.
from a distance that felt infinite i watched my plants on the gallery die with fred. never been able to be that callous about plants before, always had to save even what i knew i had no use or space for, try to find homes for what i couldn't keep...this time i let them go, not realising until retrospect we were on fred's timing...before i actually knew i was moving back to diego i was already conserving energy, only watering those that would want to come here...
meanwhile, an 18year-old tracking me since just before fred dead. i done say i am literally twice his age and could be his mother and never turned on by extreme youth neither but he persistent in the face of my honesty about the fact that he extremely unlikely to get anywhere. the inevitable lock-off became necessary the other night when he try to buss the most insensitive track ever via whatsapp: he open with a line about how i been so scarce [yes, he know my father just dead, not that he study that when he wash foot and jump in, clearly, foolish] and when is he going to see me, because, and now i must quote: "...i'm dying here"...i tried not be harsh, but couldn't not hit him, "actually, no, you're not, dying is what my father did boxing day"...and even then he so young i had to explain to him how he just proved my point that i doh deal up with youths because they eh ready for life+death where+how i living it, or as real as mine...
or maybe i just feeling bite up because my father gone...
walk good.


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