postcarnival post

so much tings a gwan i eh even realise me eh do no carnival post, oui; cyah come back with fff and not remedy that omission.
this year thus far, a revelation. tings i thought i know about myself and my relationships proven beautifully beyond my best imaginings and because i believed in me and my knowledge of self [holy shit, that sound so fucking corny coming from me! so not-me] i made what already-obviously-right choices. so now, my ass happy, productive, relieved...
amazing carnival season+show with the canals [ah love it was a solo moment onstage for me, i get to be so fully in it this rounds, deeply, completely inside my song to the point where everynight i would reopen my eyes and be shocked to realise it had people, audience, band, there with me] and canals start our season with this photoshoot, jumpstarting my carnival in paint+glitter 1time...

not having 3canal carnival show run all the way through carnival saturday as usual was a weirdness+tabanca, but my best boys pull me through that plus them hard choices and everyting else, brilliantly; let the record say: them boys is my champions; months now, all since las' year, restoring my faith and keeping me in ganja+guinness, roti+totie [my life plan, as of 2019] keeping me downright happy...me, happy! so bizarre, plus coupled with the strange phenomenon of me being in season, again, at what becoming a little old for this level of being in season...dread, the tings, and the sheer amount i turn down this year already...
i not used to being happy; my life brings me many much-appreciated moments of joy, but i not a happy person, never have been. i remember being weirded out by how happy i was in the earlies of me+grims, and right now weird like that. i happy being single, happy with the choices i making for meself, happy with the work i making, water more than flour already get picked up for something very cool [details later], i do a nex' ting for bbc radio again the other day, happy with my boys, starting to get  a handle on life, tings coming to come maybe...yuhknow? so now i hadda try+learn to relax into it and not always be expecting disaster because is me, and enjoy being happy [seem so obvious, ent? enjoy being happy...] insteada bringing to it the same melancholy i live in inside in my head...
aaand this shit about to get existential; look, lemme mash brakes one time.
talk soon.
walk good.