baby steps

my father drove today and i realised i've been holding my breath.
work hard to make connections with others while preserving privacy, self-protection the strongest instinct. want intimacy without vulnerability. substitute sex for love not just in the unknowing way of youth but in the way experience slickly compromises, tricking emotion.
sometimes admit to self what has become the default operating system and that true experiences only come with truth, and pledge to give more fully, more honestly. make a go of it, later finding self bruised again but hopefully after enough good to recognise the value of allowing someone in, even at the price of inevitable heartbreak, because nothing lasts forever, except possibly love of loving each other.
walk good.