Thursday, June 22, 2006

lesson #69: sextoys=tupperware (edited 5.55pm)

been meaning to get to this for 2weeks, which should tell you something about how impressed i was...
some ladies i know wanted to get together for a "passion party"- now, i was pretty sure i wouldn't discover anything i hadn't already known/tried, but i like these ladies so i figured it'd be amusing, at the least. my understanding was that somebody would join us for the night, in ganz's living room, with tips+toys to discuss+demonstrate, with the option to buy.
grims started calling it a tupperware party right off the bat- little did i know how right he was...
so i arrived. late. waiting for the brownie to kick in (sadly, it never did, but that wasn't my real gripe of the night) i met people, and observed the passion party chick through the glass doors as she sat in the backyard, drinking way too much to do her job well-
gripe #1: i know it's a party, and the involvement of sex talk+toys makes it less formal even for those working, so by all means, have a drink. but don't get trashed before you do what you're getting paid for. if i hired a stripper for a party and she started drinking, and fell off the 1st lap she tried to tickle, i'd send her ass home, sans $...
so this chick (named kylie, who teeheed over the "k-y" involved in spelling her name when people were paying for shit later) downs some drinks, then finally comes in so we can get started, and instantly makes her 1st mistake- dionne+ilana came with me, and this dionne is the same dionne of barbie-bathing-fame (i.e. also from trini)- we 3 are standing around the table chatting, kylie comes in, hears accents and says,
gripe #2: "oooh, i love jamaican women!"
dionne calmly shakes her hand and says, "hi. i'm from trinidad."
kylie was appropriately embarrassed, but needless to say, it was already over for her.
gripe #3: once we got past that and were truly ready to start, she immediately acted like we were in school and she was the teacher- there was a quiz, we had to write shit down, and @ one point, she even compared it to school- not the way to start a sex-toy party, and also just not working for her, in particular.
gripe #4: the quiz, she said, was supposed to give the group an idea of who was (relatively) experienced. but every question simply asked about sex in different locations. with the highest score (in the 300's, well above the low of 50) i was the "most experienced", but all it really said is that i'm more adventurous about location than the others in the room. and since most of the questions involved sex with a partner, it's an even less accurate reflection, because perhaps others would've liked to be as adventurous, but their partners weren't. or perhaps one's lifestyle doesn't provide much opportunity for doing it out+about. you could be fucking the entire country from the confines of their bedrooms and yours. or what-the-fuck-ever. all her quiz really determined was that i've had sex in lots of places other than my bedroom(s). nothing really indicated experience or quality (frankly, if it were bad sex, why waste time discussing location?) which indicated to me that kylie's not smart. and we know how i feel about and deal with stupid people.
gripe #5: she then called me a slut for having the highest score, and tried to say we were now even for her faulty 'jamaican' assumption earlier, which makes this a 3-part gripe.
a- who the fuck is she to call me a slut?
b- who the fuck is she to call me a slut based on some shit quiz that really just asked the same question over+over, substituting 1 place for another?
c- no, this does not make your stupidity ok. it's not even in the same realm. i'm a trini slut, not a jamaican slut, not that you even grasp the definition of the word slut, since you take it to mean "someone who has sex in places other than the bedroom". fool.
gripe #6: everything else from here on in was her trying to sell her sexware- she made us each write down 3 questions we wanted answered by the end of the night, and if she answered 1, i missed it- she focused entirely on her creams that i heard felt like bengay on the vagina, her lickable slathers that smelled and tasted like fake nastiness (pet peeve: if i wanted to taste fake strawberry flavouring, i'd suck a lollipop, not a cock; and my vagina should feel, smell and taste like nothing other than itself, since it's designed to only need regular soap+water, and some titillation- i know and respect that some may need a little more to get them going, but even so, fake cottoncandy flavouring and shimmer are not necessary). i didn't have 3 questions that i thought she could answer, so i gave my 3 chances away, and from what i gathered most of the questions in the room were technique-related, but all she did was push products. she never acted like she gave a shit about ways to truly improve the sex lives of those present, and the few times she seemed to be answering a question, she'd start with the words, "i have this cream/lotion/gel/spray/toy for that..."
she didn't seem knowledgeable about bodies, positions, chemistry, or options to assist any of the 3, just about her products. and her products were lacking. every toy she offered was hard plastic or that rubbery/gel stuff. no mention of glass or steel, or tips on how to use hands, tongues, or other body parts.
the last thing that bothered me is perhaps more subjective, but i'ma include it as a psa (keep in mind that it bothered me in this scenario because she was paid to come into a personal setting and speak directly to customers, and didn't offer this helpful info- i wouldn't expect this when buying a toy over the counter in a store or online): i think that 1st-time dildo/vibrator-buyers should know that especially since you'll prob'ly buy more than 1 as you better learn your body and what it likes, you might want to start smaller- don't necessarily buy a dildo the same size as the dick you've liked best because your body may react differently when there's not an actual other person involved in foreplay, plus, the dildo's not covered in human skin, and even the rubbery stuff may not be as slippery+flexible as real flesh.
the 1st toy i ever bought was vibrating rubber, about the size of grims, and it now sits unused on my bedside table because it's too uncomfortable. the next buy was smaller and shaped differently and i love it, and the 3rd buy was glass, and i love that.
that rubbery stuff seems closer to feel of flesh, in hand in the store, but in actuality, in a vagina, it's not, so size+shape (and lube) can be crucial; and now that i've tried it, the glass, which i rejected on my 1st shopping trip as being too hard+cold+impersonal, is lovely- easily warmed in water or hands (unless you like cold, which can also be nice) and the surface is smooth+slick, and by the time i bought it i knew what i needed for size so its lack of flex is all for the good, rather than being uncomfortable. the rubbery one i like has a nice bend (which the 1st buy didn't) and is the right size. but the things i considered on my 2nd+3rd buys that make me still love them are things that you have to experiment with yourself to learn. you may prefer a particular texture, you may want something that has flex, you may decide to go glass, but if you start a little smaller than your favourite dick and get some lube with it, you'll prob'ly get more mileage out of your 1st toy in terms of figuring out what you like because ultimately, if you can't get it in, then things like shape+texture are moot. and when you find something that really works, you may not need lube (which is how i prefer to work it, and how i know when the toy's right).
just a thought.
love good. walk good.

ps: big-up alwaysarousedgirl for links to great-looking toys!

edit: after reading keifel's comment, i think anybody who reads this post should also visit the link he provides (here it is) and i'd like to add that the hygiene factor is a big plus to the glass/pyrex toy (for me) which, of course, kylie really didn't talk about- she just pushed her "toy cleaner" product as a must, without suggesting that one use a condom- so she wanted you to buy the special cleaner, but didn't explain what the dangers are, or the options for avoiding them...


Anonymous Dionne said...

That woman was a real fool for sure! First of all... as u mentioned... grip #1.. I AM A TRINI...NOT JAMAICAN! get your accents right bitch.. and no they are NOT all the same...and grip#2- How dat bitch goin to say she is coming to 'teach us' when really she is like paid programming in your living room... her ass gets wasted... and she thinks every caribbean accent is jamaican, and calls u a slut .. like bitch get a life! go work in a sex shop and stop coming to our houses!

3:47 pm  
Anonymous keifel said...

there is also a really good article here about the safety of toys that was very enlightening for me.

5:47 pm  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

"oh, i love jamaican women!"

When people at my job get mixed up or simply don't want to realize racial or geographical differences, I explain it to them like this...

As with the French, English and Italians, there is some lingual overlap, but a definite genetic overlap. Still, there is no way that you would say that they come from the *same* country. So why you say that Chinese and Japanese are the same? Why would you say that Mexicans are the same as Central and South Americans?

They have some things in common, but they're different people.

As for your saleswoman? It makes sense that she sells "tools" because she is one. And how the hell can anyone cast aspersions as to whether someone enjoys sex or not, if they are to sell sex toys???

Worst saleswoman ever, period. She'd be better off selling liquor.

2:31 pm  

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